SCRATCH
Then I talked to some end-of-life experts. Here’s what I learned.
Shaina Feinberg and
Shaina is a writer and filmmaker who interviewed her mother for this story. Julia is an illustrator.
I recently had the following conversation with my 82-year-old mother, Mary:
Me: Are you ready to die?
My mom: Not really. But I I am I prepared with my papers.
You might be wondering why I was asking my mom about her end-of-life preparedness. Well, when my father, Paul, died suddenly a few years ago, we were completely unprepared.
“Dad and I never talked about what he wanted for his funeral,” my mom said. “He was 74 when he died and was in very good shape.”
In addition to everything she had to do when she died, like planning the funeral, there was also the stress of finances and paperwork. “We had a joint checking account, but he didn’t have much money. Our other bank account had more money, but it was only in his name. I had to sort that out, which took years.”
The most helpful piece of advice my mom got when my dad died? “My best friend, Fran, said to me, ‘Get a lot of death certificates because you’re going to have to send them to people, and sometimes they don’t want a Xerox, they want the real thing.’ I got 15 death certificates from the funeral home.”
Preparing for death is complicated. How’s that for an understatement? You need to consider the emotional, spiritual and financial aspects. We spoke to three end-of-life experts who shed some light on how to make this sprawling undertaking a little more manageable.
According to an Ethos survey, fewer than half of Americans have discussed their end-of-life plans with loved ones. But having those conversations is important, said Sarah Chavez, executive director of the nonprofit Order of the Good Death, which provides resources to learn about and plan for death.
“These conversations can be uncomfortable,” Ms. Chavez said, “but by planning and talking about these things, it’s such a gift to the family left behind.”
While you’re thinking about what to do with your body, you’ll also want to think about what to do with your stuff. “In the beginning, everyone should have some documents that are valid while you’re alive,” said Michael Pevney, an estate planning attorney with a California practice. (He also makes videos about real estate planning on TikTok.)
No matter what you decide to do with your body or your belongings, you will need someone to carry out your requests.
If you are reluctant to ask your loved ones about their death preparations, there are other ways to broach the subject. “The easiest way is to open the family photo album and start talking about the people in the photos,” said Joél Simone Maldonado, a funeral director and death educator. “The conversation always turns to what people did or didn’t like about a funeral or grieving process.” Ms. Maldonado suggests using these conversations as a springboard for asking questions about people’s end-of-life hopes. And take notes.
The only downside to being so unprepared for my dad’s death is that now my mom is super prepared. “I have several folders in a cabinet that have all the things you need to do when I die,” he said. “I’ve registered you as a power of attorney so you can write a check for the funeral.* I’ve already paid for my grave. I’ll be next to dad, under the same tombstone.”
*This would be if my mom was on her deathbed. Once he dies, the power of attorney is revoked. There are several ways to deal with the funeral payment, one of which is to be a joint account holder on her bank account. where am I.
When I asked my mom how she felt looking at the blank side of the tombstone, she said, “That’s my side. I have a seat! Oh, and remember,” he added, “I’ve always wanted a mariachi band at my funeral.” Famous.
Produced by Rebecca Lieberman.
