From the outside, it looked like Adam Alter was slipping.
By 28, he had earned a PhD in psychology from Princeton and soon after found a job as a tenured professor at the NYU Stern School of Business.
But he felt stuck. Preparing to teach while simultaneously doing research became overwhelming, especially since I had just come out of five intense years of graduate school. And although he was often surrounded by people in New York, he missed having a close network of friends.
He likened it to being caught in a conveyor belt. “I made a career for myself,” he said, “but I wasn’t sure if those were the ways I wanted to succeed.”
Dr. Alter, who has now been a professor for 15 years, has devoted much of his career to researching the concept of attachment. In 2020, he surveyed hundreds of people on the topic, and every respondent said they felt stuck in at least one area: failed creative pursuits, stagnant careers, unsatisfying relationships, an inability to save money — the list went on.
Why are we stuck?
Falling into a rut or feeling stagnant from time to time is a universal experience, said Dr. Alter, whose latest book, “Anatomy of a Breakthrough,” offers 100 ways to break free.
Why; When you’re tackling any long-term goal, you’re inevitably going to hit a plateau, he said. And because some goals don’t have clear end points, it can be hard to feel like you’re making progress.
Other problems can come from major life changes, such as illness, having a baby, moving, or getting fired. Dr. Alter found that people tend to be particularly reflective when they approach a new decade, say at age 29 or 39, and that these turning points can feel overwhelming when life doesn’t go as planned.
How to get unstuck
-
Do a “friction check”: Friction control is one way organizations eliminate areas of inefficiency. Individuals can apply the same principles to their lives by identifying the things that create obstacles and add complications or stress, Dr. Alter said.
To start, try asking: Am I repeating certain patterns that aren’t helpful? Are there certain things I do regularly that I don’t like? The next step is to either remove or smooth out any friction points. Say you dread commuting, but feel powerless to change it. Dr. Alter suggested asking yourself, “What is the part that makes it most attractive?” What specific changes can you make to address the problem? Will listening to a great podcast or audiobook help? If you drive, can you start a car pool with other coworkers? Is there a way to work from home more often?
-
Reframing negative thoughts: You may engage in “catastrophizing” or thinking the worst will happen. Or maybe you’re too hard on yourself and have a case of “shoulds,” as in, “I should have done more at work,” even when you’ve accomplished quite a bit. Persistent thoughts like these can create anxiety and interfere with your goals, said Judy Ho, a clinical neuropsychologist and associate professor at Pepperdine University.
Try to reframe your thinking, Dr. Ho suggested. For example, instead of “I’m going to fail at this project,” you might think, “I’m going to do my best, and if I struggle I’m going to ask for help.” Finally, he said, aim to evaluate your thoughts objectively: “I am having this thought. What is the evidence for this? And what is the evidence against him?’
-
Try “futurecasting”: “Imagine a future life where you’re not stuck,” said Sarah Sarkis, a clinical psychologist and executive coach in Boston. What does he look like? How do you feel?
Then think about the specific steps that will help you work toward that vision. Write these steps down — ideally by hand. That helps us commit to them, Dr. Sarkis said. And don’t wait until you feel “ready,” she added. Take at least one step every day if you can – but be kind to yourself if you can’t. If you miss a day or two, start again tomorrow. “Paint the future you’re looking for,” said Dr. Sarkis. “Map out a plan to get there.”
-
Share your goal: Telling other people about your plans can also be helpful. Adam Cheyer, Siri’s co-creator and VP of AI Experience at Airbnb, said this was critical to its success. “Just the power of putting the words out into the world now makes you believe — makes you commit,” he told an audience at the University of California, Berkeley. The added bonus is that people may want to help you. “Somehow, the universe will help you achieve that goal,” he said. “It was a huge, huge tool for me.”
-
Do something meaningful: Spending time on activities that align with your values ”promotes you if you’re feeling stuck in completely unrelated areas of your life,” Dr. Alter said. When he was feeling unmotivated early in his teaching career, he found a poster at his gym – a group was looking for volunteers to help raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society by running the New York City Marathon. It almost felt like fate, he said. one of his friends had died of leukemia years earlier. During the training, he ended up making quite a few friends. “I felt like a more productive person and it gave me the confidence to pursue other areas of my life,” she said. “We need meaning more than ever when we feel stuck.”
